sometimes i can't get my mind around it.
sometimes it is too big.
sometimes it is too fucking small.
sometimes i am.
understand, understand, i just want to understand.
do you understand the wind? do you? really? when did it start? when was the original huff that bore gust that turned oceans that lifted cows that hurled houses that beats upon my chest right now? rip it from me. tear it from me. pull from me the root of it, deep gnarled wart of itness.
how does anyone explain itness? you either know it or you don't.
do you know it?
understand, understand, i just want to understand.
once there was a leaf on the tree caught corner frame, so much white space
and then the wind
and then gone.
where did the wind come from?
where did it go?
where is the leaf now?
and is it even a leaf now that it is absent a branch,
now that the wind has ripped it from its itness,
obliterated its form?
i am caught corner frame, so much white space.
come wind,
come.
And the wind will blow all the questions away. What then? Absolute white space?
ReplyDeleteThe wind will blow questions back again. Rilke said, “live the questions now”. And you know? This is my preference!
ruth, you know itness:)
ReplyDeletewe only ever lean toward the answers, toward the white space. we risk all in our drive toward it. the wind will come but it will only drive against us. the questions will be upon our chests just as the wind is. white space? perhaps in death. that is when our ego will finally be silenced. only then is white space possible.
understand, understand, i just want to understand.
i am insatiable.
xo
erin
and i should add, as often as i want to be here, as often as i strike against a page like a typewriter's key with a question, i yearn equally in other moments to be gone.
ReplyDeletexo
erin
erin, I've just come on board your 'wind blown sailing catamaran'. I'm enjoying your insight.
ReplyDelete'itness' with the audio is quite soothing (your voice)and does inspire the nature of 'it's' intention, that being, thought.
Your thought process even with the comments you make in other blogs, ie., Hanna Stephenson's 'Hide', seem to coincide with how I volitionally nurture my choice of thought process. 'It' is by choice compared to the 'itness' relative to all that exists in our cognitive world.
I was born in a country that attempted to inculcate me with faith based hope, Christianity, but I seem to inherently relate and refer to my spiritual side (Aztec Indian) prior to the Spanish infestation. I make this point to attempt to iterate upon my belief that in the realm of a larger universe and relative to the commensurate value of my existence compared to the leaf that has be separated from 'it's' birthing branch our values are equal in the spirit of this universal realm. Hope I didn't ramble beyond the 'itness' :)
In response to your, addition; to wish, to search for answers, to yearn only obstructs the appreciation of the 'now' (Be here now, Remember', Baba Rambas).
nene
nene, i am dizzily delighted. please, if this rambling, please stay and ramble:)
ReplyDeleteand nene, while i know this of the now and while i at times settle into this, i am caught between this and passion. i am a contradictory spirit. it causes controversy in the self and in the world. i know. i am not proud, only myself:)
in gratitude for your coming))
xo
erin
"dissily"? Why'd you lQQk at me when you said that? (laughing)
ReplyDeletei think we can't get our minds around it because we are it........and we don't recognize it.
ReplyDeletenene:)
ReplyDeleteamanda! holyholy. i hug you furiously. is this possible? (i riffle through the papers of my soul looking for evidence.)
xo
erin
You have a very harmonious voice, i heard many times the poem and I am enchanted by the rhythm of words and tone of voice, I do not know what it means itness and hull. I do not know where it has gone to the leaf that took the wind, just know that along with the blade, the wind took some atoms of my being a fall morning at which, naked, i merged with it.
ReplyDeletedamaso)) that you even tried to listen is something special. i can't imagine what the translation might have suggested. i kind of laugh to think about it. i thank you for coming.
ReplyDeletexo
erin
I thought for many months on "itness" and never came to a firm itness on the subject. Tee-hee. You put my thoughts quite succinctly on that subject once a long time ago so I know I have it printed and in one of my Erin Folders. I will find it soon!
ReplyDeleteI'm self-educated and have studied many books as you know. I found out (scientifically) what makes the wind blow, why the light changes in Winter & Summer, and why seeds appear in my dying Moonflowers like magic. And then it all made me sad, all that knowing-ness. So I forgot what I knew and went back to believing that the same magic that created my beloved dragonfly, also created the wind upon which it flies and the seeds and the dirt that grew them. Also, I consider the Wind to be The breath of God; the Earth singing; the scatterer of dandelion seeds....and just plain holy unto the earth.
As a teen, I found this poem below. It rocks my brain every time I recite it inside my head on a stormy, windy night.
I Love you muchly, Ms. Erin. Our humidity/heat has eased off for today, thank goodness!! xoxo
Who Has Seen the Wind?
By Christina Rossetti
Who has seen the wind?
Neither I nor you:
But when the leaves hang trembling,
The wind is passing through.
Who has seen the wind?
Neither you nor I:
But when the trees bow down their heads,
The wind is passing by.
Whatever it was
ReplyDeleteI WAS
and am no more.
Do I understand itness? I understand that I am it no longer. That much I know. Leaf from tree? Yes...so ripped.
Hi Erin, no deep thoughts, Just came by to say hello>
ReplyDelete"..when our ego will finally be silenced. only then is white space possible." I believe this with all my heart. Ego is line, shape, and definition. Ego is what makes a leaf a leaf and red the color red. Ego is what shows me love and passion, possession and hate. And to gut Ego, take him out and trample on him, would mean death, and freedom, and whiteness, and itness.
ReplyDeleteOn a related note:
Have you seen this? http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html
This woman I believe saw itness, in the midst of her own stroke.
xo
I long to understand as well, myself, others, the world, the why's. Life is too hard today. I miss blogging, miss you.
ReplyDeleteThank you. You give me your work, you gift me with mine.
ReplyDeleteLow Pressure
The wind is a hole
in the flatulence of sky,
a shift to fall in
or out. We release
the last ropes of inquiry
and stop declaring
edges among them.
The wind is a hole that breaks
all my frayed straight lines.
Ah, to talk about, without getting lost in the pursuit of itness!
ReplyDeleteWe have words for everything we see, and for things we don't see. We describe our feelings, our functions, our processes, and we miss the most interesting thing of all, our essence.
Why is it that we think one thing and then go ahead and write something else? We are constantly reshaped, burning bright, and capturing these stages, with a camera, with a recorder, still doesn't amount to the sum of the whole person.
I'm so full of itness some days that I don't know where I am.. and then again, in a moment I am caught. Lovely reading voice Erin. I love hearing that Canadian lilt that I associate with Native.Ahh...
ReplyDeletemarion, what is this science you speak of? you were wise to leave it behind. it sounds dangerous.
ReplyDeleteit seems that to watch the wind or to read a poem, it is a life worthwhile living)) love you too))
annie, it is a funny thing that has happened. i began by believing i knew what itness was but the more voices that come, i realize it is no one thing. and while you claim yours is gone (you are in the storm right now, in the nexus of the storm being created and uncreated every moment) i still see you.
chris, sometimes that's enough.
mj, i remember watching this video some times ago and i remember being terribly moved by it. i have a problem remembering things though, truly. i will have to watch it again and be moved all over again.
the ego is a curious thing i try to escape but that pins me to each falling moment. it's the thing i hate and the only thing that allows me to love.
deb, i'm afraid it is not too hard but just feels so convincingly that way sometimes. come over for coffee and we'll get drunk:) (then write again, deb. tell us what you are feeling, what is happening.)
xo
erin
christopher, i commented on this piece your way. here i'll just say thank you to you time and time again.
ReplyDeleterosaria, see? for you itness is in the pursuit. for me itness is the reason why there is a pursuit. it is an elusive thing. i laugh. i think of the g spot:)
L, we carry birch bark and cedar, tree limbs and rocks in our mouths up here. that is why we speak this way:) but yes, we are influenced in our mouths and what we carry and for this we are lucky.
so full of itness you don't know where you are? i think this might be a very good thing. i think why we get overwhelmed in these moments is because we don't accept it, instead, we engage in some sort of tussle with it. we're slow learners))
(it's so good to see you again. i must check in. how i am so horrible with my friends who are not on blogger. i'm sorry. i read from my lazy dashboard.)
xo
erin
HOLY SHIT! I freakin' love this! OMG!
ReplyDelete